Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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