To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
ugly people sure do ruin things
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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