please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
