Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
