Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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