yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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