i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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