is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
