oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i may or may not be watching the land before time
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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