Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
