Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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