There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
