When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
