I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i think im in europe. pls send help
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
