you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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