next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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