My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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