I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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