Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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