I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
