i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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