I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
