Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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