textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
