I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
