Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I love you. Go after that dick
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
