shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
