allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
