Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
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