I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
