i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
our cab driver is having phone sex.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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