My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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