When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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