I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
