So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
