evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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