Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
