Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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