can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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