thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm like, not good at living.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
