i wish peter jackson would direct porn
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
