Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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