There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
