I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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