i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
