I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
