remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
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I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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