Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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