you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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