Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
