...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
