I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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