I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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