How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
