oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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