meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
