He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
