I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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