I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
