I want to stick my p in your. b.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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