Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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