Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
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Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
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I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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