i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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