I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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